Wednesday, June 15, 2016

In A Flash

"And in a flash...she was gone."


Mousie has died.

I am beyond devastated.

On Wednesday eve 8th June I was laying in bed, trying to sleep with terrible anxiety for no apparent reason.  When I woke on Thursday, my first thought was, ‘I would be so devastated if Mousie was to die now’.

At 11:04am I received a text from Miranda, Mousie’s owner: “Sorry to tell you that Mousie is not v well and in pain. Vet doing tests for pancreatitis. Will have results this afternoon.”

As you can imagine, I was in shock, kind of freaky how I knew. I have always maintained I was psychically connected to Mouse. I still believe this to be.

I went to visit with her and stayed for 2.5 hours. It was so painful, she was so knocked out on kitty morphine and dribbling. Her pupils were huge and she just wasn’t there. I would like to think that she recognised me. She came out of her hiding place in the basement. When I called for her in the sing-song way that I always do, “Mou-sie!” “it’s the MOU-SIE!”. She was very slow to come over, in so much pain. Laying on her front, not her usual side/back with tummy on display, which is understandable she would not want me to rub it. She purred a tuneful purr, not the usual purr, so I shall assume the noise was because of her terrible discomfort as purrs can sometimes mean pain.

She was loving getting her head scratched, and I sat there patting her for hours. Her owner came down to the basement to give her the morphine exactly on schedule at 5pm. She was obviously traumatised by the morphine injection, which was done orally by syringe. So she walked around a bit, and went to hide in a dark, secure spot.

I was sitting on the floor, which is quite difficult for me due to my bad lower back, and she was sitting there too, so out of it. I kept talking to her, telling her how great she is and how she has helped me and how she has comforted me in my toughest times. And how much I love her. And I did love her. And I do love her.

I went back to my flat and anxiously awaited text from her owner. At 7:33pm I wrote and asked if she heard back. This was the response: “Yes, they have got back to me, but we’ve been digesting the news. She definitely has pancreatitis. After discussing the options with the vet, and much familial discussion/weeping, we’ve decided that she will be put to sleep tomorrow”.  I stared at my phone and cried. I knew this was inevitable, but reading it was horrid. I wanted to go to the vet’s office with her, but she said she preferred to go and be alone with Mouse, but I was welcome to come up and see her before they went. (I fully respect the owners decision).

I got to see her again in the morning, Friday 10th June (this will now be known as the worst day of my life). I got there at 8:15am and sat down again, and she came up to me. I did not want to take pictures, and I just wanted to think it was a very bad dream. I did not sleep a wink and I looked like hell, but I didn’t care as I needed to see her, or I wouldn’t forgive myself. I got the psychic feeling she knew that it was her time. When I got up I kept going back to her, I couldn’t leave the room. I wanted to kiss her, and pat her, and make it okay for her. Her breathing was very low. I told her she was The Great Lady of Dignity, and The Grande Dame of Highbury. I managed to bend down and kiss her head. She did not lean forward to head-butt me. She was too weak. I tried to make eye contact with her, and when it finally happened I lowered my eyelids to show her animal affection the way cats do. She looked down. I told her again how much I love her, thanked her for all of the comfort she has given me, and told her I’ll see her on the other side. And I will.

I went home to my flat and just sat here like a zombie.

At 10:21am I received a text: “She’s gone. Very quickly and quietly”. I wrote back with: I hope she was not scared. I was scared for her. Thank you for telling me. The owner responded with: “No not scared at all. The vet is very good and I was cuddling her”.

I realise grief is a most selfish emotion. But I need to learn to grieve in my own way. And grieve I will, for a very, very long time.

She will always be my Louche Tabby.

(*If it is not too weird for you guys, I’d like to keep my blog going. I have hundreds of pictures of her from over the years, and I’d love to share. I believe it would be therapeutic for me. I will give a date on the pictures) 


Flynn said...

I am so very sorry. I am in tears for you and for Mousie. I know the huge gut wrenching pain you are feeling and words won't help ease it. Believe me when I say you are in my thoughts. The pain will always be there but time will dull it. Treasure your precious memories and all your photos. Keeping the blog going is good. Keeping Eric in ours once a week helps me, and I am sure continuing to post Mousie's photos will help you.

Photo Cache said...

We are so sorry that you are hurting. Hugs!


Summer at said...

I'm so sorry Mousie is gone. Purrs to you and her family.

Gracie=^o.o^= said...

I type through tears as I read about Mousie leaving. My heart is heavy. I am so sorry she had to leave. Please keep your blog and participate in her memory at the TCC. Sending love and prayers to everyone that knew and loved Mousie.

Honey P. Sunshine said...

omg, I am so sorry, Mousie was like Gidget and Honey's distant cousin, my heart ache for you as I am crying at my desk at work now. I think they do know when it is time to go, Honey knew and she told me it was time and I celled and made the appointment. I was just chatting with Honey last night after I re-lived the thought of the day she came home from the surgery to remove the tumor from her paw. And right now I re-lived when I took her in on her last day. she knew and right before her injection, she closed her eyes and curled her head under her blanket it was like, "ok, I ready, let's go".
so, with all that, you can still talk to Mousie, don't stop, I know how it hurts to not be able to touch her anymore.

Marilynn said...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I'm sure we all know that, for the most part, we will outlive our precious ones, but that really doesn't help when we lose them. My daughter has just gone through this for the second time in less than 2 years, and it's awful.

We are sending our purrrrrrssssss and prayers and hugs for you as you mourn.

Marilynn, Grace, Audace, and Ruse

Cheri Wildcatwoods said...

Please do keep this blog going for Mousie. Many others do and it is helpful for you too. I am so very sorry. I have lost so many dear cats over the years and it is hard for each one. They take a bit of your heart with them. Sending you love and lots of healing energy in this loss.

Cats of Wildcat Woods

Eastside Cats said...

Poor Mousie. She was loved, and still will be. Yes, please keep blogging, and know that we too will miss her. My condolences to you and to Mousie's owners.

Anonymous said...

We're so sorry fur your loss. Since losin' sis Lexi in March we's been a bit of a mess. Grievin' takes as long as it takes and is different fur everypawdy. We's sendin' hugs and purrayers.

Luv ya'

Dezi, Raena and mommy A

caspersmom said...

Rosie, grief is not a selfish emotion. It is a very natural emotion, why, because of LOVE. I grieved when Captain Casper was put down, and he told me it was time to go. She also knew it was time for her to go. I cried for Mousie and you as I know how hard and hurtful it is. I know how hard it is for you right now but in the future it will not hurt so much to think about that beautiful and sweet cat. Back then I thought I would never be able to look at a picture of Casper, but I have an 8x10 picture on the wall and am so glad he shared his life with me as Mousie shared her life with you.

I think it is great you are going to carry on with your blog and share her pictures with us and keep her memory going.

With LOVE,

da tabbies o trout towne said...

Godspeed you journey to heaven Mousie; while we did not have the honor of knowing you as long as all your other friends, we are happy to have been able to call you our friend ~~~~~ we send our sincerest sympathies and hugs....keeping your blog up and running is in honor
to your memory; we do the same with dude and sauce

♥♥♥♥♥ boomer, dai$y, tuna, and yes, dude and sauce too

Alasandra, The Cats and Dogs said...

We know you will miss your Louche Tabby a great deal. Mousie was lucky to have so many people who loved her. Purrs of comfort and paws of sympathy. We look forward to hearing about your memories of her.

pilch92 15andmeowing said...

I am so sorry for the loss of Mousie, she was a beautiful girl. I would love to see more photos of Mousie.

ML Giggleman said...

Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry to learn that Mousie ran off to the Bridge. You will see her again, she is waiting to greet you.
I know how very close you were, you had this connection with sweet Mousie.
I lost Missy Blue Eyes on April 2nd. It was unexpected, I left her at the vet for her check up. I was almost home and the vet called and said to get back to her office. When she had started the fluids, Missy rolled over and was gone. I am hurting and will be for a long time.
I was so shocked to read about Mousie. You were both my favorites. We will miss the Louche Tabby very much. She brought so much joy and happiness to us all. We would to see photos of her.
Sending you love and prayers and purrs from me and the kitties,

M Dawson said...

Mousie was your in a million cat and, no, you are not nuts to say you had (and still have) a link to Mousie. How else did you dream and wake up feeling as you did.

Saying sorry doesn't feel very much but, trust me, many grieve with you, and know your pain, and your grief so you do not grieve for your lovely girl on your own.

Marjorie and the Cats at Dash Kitten
with our love.

Kaz's Cats said...

I'm so sorry. It's never easy when our furry friends have to leave us, but I'm glad you got to spend some time with Mousie towards the end.

There is no easy way for our furriends to leave us, but I know from experience that it's helpful to have some time with them at the makes it easier in the long run (and that is a very long run)...

Grief is very personal, so if you want to post pictures of Mousie, I think you should. We readers would love to keep seeing her...

Love and hugs to you and to Mousie's family,

Karen with Buddy & Slash

Aimable Cats said...

The one bad thing about cats is that they don't live long enough.

Louche Tabby said...

Thanks for all the comments, guys. I am trying to cope. Been walking around in a daze. My sleep patterns are all messed up. I know it takes time.

Lily said...

We're so sorry. Purrs and hugs for all of her loved ones.

Forty Paws said...

We are so sorry that it was Mousie's time to cross over. Many hugs and purrs and purrayers from all of us at Forty Paws.

Jans Funny Farm said...

We are sorry for the painful loss of Mousie. Hugs, purrs and paw taps of comfort.

KitKat said...

We are so sorry Mousie has left for the Bridge. Sending love and purrs of comfort.
With deepest condolences,
Angels Normie and Mika, Sasha & Grady Lewis

Melissa, Mudpie and Angel Truffles (Mochas, Mysteries and Meows) said...

I'm so very sorry. Sending gentle purrs of comfort your way.

Bev Green said...

Sending purrs and love on the sad news of Mousie leaving for the bridge..what a pretty i fair..gentle hugs Dinnermintz and Pickels for the TCC XXX

Mark's Mews (Ayla, Iza, and Marley) said...

Our Best Purrs to you and Mousies family... We know how loved she was and is.

John Bellen said...

Please accept my condolences on Mousie's passing. She was loved so much and so deeply that the pain at her loss is great and deep, too. The greater the love, the greater the pain. And grief is necessary. God gave us grief so that we could go on even through the worst heart-break. We grieve and we remember. Godspeed, Mousie.

Hannah and Lucy said...

We are so sorry to hear about Mousie and know you will be heartbroken. At least she will be pain free.

Colehaus Cats said...

We are so sorry and are sending all our best purrs to you. Run free, sweet Mousie.

Katie Kat said...

Just saw the post at the Cat Blogosphere... Mousie was furry loved and you will see her again Psalm 36:6 -"oh Lord you preserve (save) both man and beast. How faithful is your eternal love."

Katie Kat

THE ZOO said...

Ourrs to you. We are so sorry for your loss.

Team Tabby said...

We are very sorry to hear your sad news about Mousie. We appreciate your stopping by to leave your kinds words when we lost Cookie.

The J-Cats said...

We have just seen your post. We are so sorry for your loss.
Run free, sweet Mousie, in the land of eternal sunshine, beyond the Rainbow Bridge.

Tails from the Foster Kittens said...

I am sorry you weren't able to be with her, but it was nice you were able to spend so much time with her before she left. i have no doubt she appreciated it.

My heart goes out to you at your loss